UCS Reporters
The Dood Abides
Dominus Noster
Ed E. Druckman
Kamal El-Din
Gunther Schnitzel
Chuck Terzella
Walid
Nickfun

 

 

 
New Sex Toy Attracts Investors Warren Buffett and Oprah
 
by NickFun
 
Oprah smiles after using the new vibrating sex toy.
Startup sex toy maker JimmyJane, Inc. has entered the sex toy business with a bang, attracting over $10 million dollars from such high rolling investors as Warren Buffett and Oprah Winfrey.

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Pope Benedict XVI's Open Letter Regarding The Sex Abuse Scandal
 
by Chuck Terzella
 
"Just Keep Em Covered And We'll Be Cool"

To my faithful Catholic Children of all ages throughout the world,

I must say, I was shocked, shocked I tell you, at the allegations of the sexual abuse of children by Priests in Ireland, Germany, the United States, Fiji, Zambia, South Africa, Brazil, Chile, Mexico and, as it now appears to be, in far too many more countries to mention here...so let's just say, all of them everywhere...and that should cover it. The fact that while I was still a Bishop back in the good old Vaterland, allegations that I actually was both aware of this abuse and even helped cover it up have been even more shocking; at least, the fact that I got caught doing it is. I was really counting on Divine Intervention to handle that.

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U.S. senatorial candidate Sue Lowden to debate herself
 
by Dominus Noster
 
LAS VEGAS - In a surprising twist to this year's primaries, Sue Lowden has reached an agreement to appear in a series of candidate forums and debates during the primary and general election season, conducted pursuant to specific guidelines that will be acceptable to both Lowden's campaign consultants and the RNC.

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Daylight Savings Time Begins Today, Spring Ahead
 
by Chuck Terzella
 
Let's just sleep in today, shall we?

I'm writing this at 5:30AM on Sunday, March 14, 2010, except actually it's 6:30 AM now. Why? Because at around 2:00AM last night, Daylight Savings Time took effect. Throughout my life, I have heard several reasons why Daylight Savings Time (DST) was instituted in the first place, most of them having to do with farmers having an extra hour of daylight to get the Spring planting done or something archaic like that. Yesterday however, I read an article in the Grass Valley Union about the entire history of the time shift movement, and as with all great American ideas, it started with Mrs. Franklin's little boy, Bennie, somewhere back in the 1780's.

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Rove Fired George W. Bush Fires Karl Rove Over Plame Affair

"NADA!" > BUSH "CAN'T FUND A WAR, IF WE GIVE KIDS HEALTH INSURANCE!"> BUSH

John Kerry Arrested on Terrorism Charges!

Bush Takes Blame for Slow Wilma Aid, Punched by His Brother

The Stock Market Crash...Would You Like An Umbrella With That?

 

Unconfirmed Sources political satire and news story parodies as represented above are written as satire or parody. They are, of course, fictitious.

 

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