 Unconfirmed sources has received a secretly recorded audio tape of the Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld briefing the President on the dire situation in Iraq. On the tape Rumsfeld admits that the whole Iraq invasion was a mistake and that there was no way the U.S. Military was going to get out of there with a shred of honor. He also wonders aloud how long the administration can keep the wool pulled over the American public's eyes.
The Rumsfeld Tape was delivered the Unconfirmed Sources Washington newsroom yesterday and has since be authenticated by a former FBI voice analysis expert. The voices on the tape are indeed Donald Rumsfeld and George W. Bush. (Editors note: Shortly after the publication of this news item Secret Service agents raided our offices and after breaking lots of furniture took possession of the audio tape. We do not anticipate it will be returned to us.)
The briefing starts out like normal with lots of Iraqi happy talk blather then suddenly Donald Rumsfeld seems to have some sort of metal break down or psychological event. What follows is a transcript of the briefing starting at the moment of the psychological event."
RUMSFELD: "Honestly, Mr. President I think that it is time I start telling you the truth about what is happening in Iraq."
BUSH: "Huh?"
RUMSFELD: "Yeah, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but we are getting our butts kicked over there. The situation is getting real bad."
BUSH: "What?"
RUMSFELD: "The Iraqi insurgence is taking a serious toll on our military. Our boys are getting killed over there and I have to tell you. Iraq is a quagmire and we are never getting out."
BUSH: "Quagmire?"
RUMSFELD: "Yep. I'm telling you like it is George, this thing is a total mess. Now I know this is coming as a big surprise, we should have let read the newspaper once and while, but everybody hates you."
BUSH: "Me?"
RUMSFELD: "Well…yeah. You see the world saw right through our sham of a case we made up to go to war with Iraq."
BUSH: "Sham?"
RUMSFELD: "The American people are even starting to think that we made up the whole rational for going to war. I just don't think we can keep lying to them much longer."
BUSH: "What?"
RUMSFELD: "It was easy for Americans to believe that things would get better after the fighting ended, or after we captured Sadam, or after we got rid of Paul Bremmer, of after we declared Iraq sovereign, or after your re-election, or after we wiped out Falluja, but when the election happens and the fighting doesn't stop what is our next made up milestone? We can only kick this can down the road so far. People are going to start thinking that the fighting is not going to end until we get out of there."
BUSH: "Hmm."
RUMSFELD: "Now, I'm an old geezer that nobody likes anyway so I'll stay around to take as much heat for you as I can, but one day soon Dick and I are gong to have heart attacks and you had better think about what to do when you have to start taking some responsibility for what is going on over there.
BUSH: "Donny?"
There is a loud noise on the tape that sounds like a slap.
RUMSFELD: "Yes, Mr. President things are going great over there and I expect that we will have all the troops home for Christmas. As a matter of fact I think we have seen the end of all the fighting in Iraq. Things are definitely going your way now. And I hear that some Republicans in congress are thinking of amending the Constitution to allow you to run for a third or even forth term in office."
BUSH: "Really?!"
The briefing ends shortly there after.
Experts agree, Donald Rumsfeld seems to have suffered from some sort of mental break during the briefing. We played the tape for Dr. Thomas R. Insel. Dr Insel is the Director of the National Institute of Mental Health, the lead Federal agency for research on mental and behavioral disorders. He gave us his opinion about what he heard on the tape.
"Secretary Rumsfeld seems to have emerged, however briefly, from what we call a fuge state. A fuge state is an alternate reality someone would mentally travel to when confronted with a situation they just can't handle. We used to call this condition Hysterical Neurosis but now lump it in with a host of conditions, called Dissociation Disorders." Explained Dr Insel. "In short Mr. Rumsfeld came back from his second modality of consciousness brought on by a post-traumatic diassociative anxiety attack. His flip flops on the Iraq situation make sense when witnessed from the interior of his fuge state."
Dr Insel then recommend a course of treatment for the Secretary. "Really, he needs a very long vacation."
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