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Bill O'Reilly's Letter To The Citizens of New Orleans
by Ed E. Druckman
(New York--NY) They are the four words you never thought you'd hear from Bill O'Reilly. "I am deeply sorry." And they were in a written reply to the homeless of New Orleans, who O'Reilly maintained "were drug-addicted" and "weren't going to get turned off from their source" as the reason for their refusal to leave before hurricane Katrina. Those comments were from his September 13 broadcast of "Radio Factor".

O'Reilly wrote the apology, printed in the "New Orleans Times Picayune", after attending a recent memorial for "Jet" Founder, John H. Johnson. At the tribute, O'Reilly was surprised to learn that African Americans could now protest without persecution. O'Reilly's exact reaction was "Uh-oh." He then asked: "Are you sure?"

Here, then, is Bill O'Reilly's apology.

"To The People Of New Orleans,

I am deeply sorry for my comments.

What I meant to say is that while you wanted to leave you were probably too high to drive a car; realizing that safety is first and not wanting to put motorist lives at risk, you chose to perish. Stupid, perhaps. Courageous, without doubt.

When I said 'ten percent of Americans are never going to be able to fend for themselves. No matter how much money you pour in, they're always going to be in that condition,' I meant…what I wanted to say…well, I don't really know what I wanted to say, but I didn't mean blacks, because "Rainy Night in Georgia", by Brook Benton, who is black, is my all time favorite song. Don't believe me? Look it up on IMDB.com.

I believe in the American people. And I believe in reaching as many as I can, because when you do that you make more money. Don't you like money? I do too. See we're not that different. I just have some.

I'm Catholic, so I have the Pope. Most of you are not white, so you have Al Sharpton…maybe Jesse Jackson. But we all have a friend in Jesus, and our mutual friend says forgive. That's in the Bible. And you know what Jesus didn't say, but I bet you that He did and no one wrote it down? Don't protest a broadcaster because someone put words in his mouth even if that someone was him.

God bless my Crack Addict listeners."

NOTE: Be sure to e-mail Ed E. @ michael.192@gmail.com

 
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Unconfirmed Sources political satire and news story parodies as represented above are written as satire or parody. They are, of course, fictitious.

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