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Scientology Issues Statement Condemning Anonymous
by Dood Abides
Outspoken Scientologist Tom Cruise reveals the identity of "Anonymous"


Los Angeles,CA (Rotters) - In a tersely worded statement at the Los Angeles Church of Scientology, spokesperson Tom Cruise today announced that the Church of Scientology would be pursuing all means, legal and otherwise, to shut down the Internet group referring to themselves as simply "Anonymous". Cruise went on to reveal that special Church of Scientology investigators, working out of the Sea Org branch had been able to track online those responsible for hacking the church's main website. According to Cruise's prepared statement, Sea Org investigators were now relatively certain that their arch-nemesis Xenu was behind the highly coordinated series of attacks.

"We find ourselves on the forefront of a battle for the minds and spiritual energy of the entire human race," stated Cruise. "It's going to take the resources of all Scientologists, from the lowly street sweeper to the nuclear physicist to push back against his subversive suppression of religious freedom. We will not rest until the entire human race is cleared."

Cruise played for reporters the most recent YouTube communication from "Anonymous".

"Note the stilted, mechanical, almost Borg-like quality to the voice," stated Cruise. "Sea Org has, with 99% certainty, matched the voice of the narrator to archival recordings of Xenu in our possession. We will be turning over our findings to the FBI, and our lawyers will begin pushing for charges of hate crimes to be brought by legal authorities."

Cruise refused to elaborate for reporters what other alternatives the church might pursue. He then vigorously denied rumors that the church was prepared to conduct extreme rendition upon suspects that might come into their custody. The church has come under fire for the death of a former Scientologist, Lisa McPherson and has continually denied that the death was the result of a controversial technique called "Theta Boarding".

"The Church of Scientology does not torture," insisted Cruise, "brainwashing is not considered torture... look it up."

 
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Unconfirmed Sources political satire and news story parodies as represented above are written as satire or parody. They are, of course, fictitious.

Your Comments



Anon wrote:
Hahahahaha
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www.ericvonwade.com wrote:
Eric Von Wade would be proud.
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AnonymousLegion wrote:
Anonymous approves of such lulzy material. Keep up the good work.
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lauren.com wrote:
what a weird guy...
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anon wrote:
lulz
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Anonymous wrote:
Excellent
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blarghargh wrote:
you got to be FUCKING KIDDING me
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Phxm wrote:
Please steal my mind and rape me, too, Church of Scientology!
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/b tard wrote:
Doesn't even know a computer generated voice when he hears it. You have got to be kidding. Xenu lives in his HDD!!!
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Safety Dance wrote:
We can dance if we want to
we can leave tom cruise behind
because tom cruise cant dance and
if he cant dance hes no friend of mine
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Mudkip wrote:
Anonymous is a pretty cool guy. Eh battles scientology, and doesn't afraid of anything!
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hellspwn wrote:
4chan is anonymous.
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ebaums did it! wrote:
Ebaums REALLY did it THIS time! Don't they know not to play with such things?!
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Shane wrote:
What the hell does he mean? BRAINWASHING IS MORE DANGEROUS you f===head.
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anonymous wrote:
I endorse the above republican presidential candidate!
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alogicbit wrote:
mindspores
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EbuamsWorld wrote:
So shutting 711chan.org actually shuts down anon and scifags think they won. Failget. There are many more, and we shall grow in numbers. NEVAR FORGET. Also cocks. You know the rules, and so do I, never going to give you up.
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Illusion wrote:
Kaos theory, unstoppable.
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Anonymous wrote:
Who cares?

Scientology is targeted in the name of all that is the Intarwebs. Inarwebs that let us see David the Gnome episodes as well as the total retardedness that is this lethal cult.

All of us of Anonymous dream of better times, like when we could watch David the Gnome innocently, and enjoy it, but such times have passed.

Anonymous sees the greatest threats to all humanity.

We have no agenda. To reduce them to a quivering heap is lulz enough.

Such an impact on the world. The journey. The noble purpose of removing yet another fark-tard from Our domain, is enough to incur our wrath.

<a href=http://theunfunnytruth.ytmn...">, because we never forget</a>.
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Anonymous wrote:
question,if the voice is supposedly xenu, then how hell is it a hate crime
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Anonymous wrote:
"....Brainwashing is not torture...."

Those scifags admitted to brainwashing, EPIC FAIL
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Tom Cruise wrote:
lulz for me 2
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stuff wrote:
[quote]We will not rest until the entire human race is cleared.[/quote]
Genocide ftw
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Anonymous wrote:
That voice is Microsft Sam, hahaha.

Epic Lulz
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Anonymous 2 wrote:
"Anonymous wrote:

"....Brainwashing is not torture...."

Those scifags admitted to brainwashing, EPIC FAIL"

Anonymous FAILed to read the sites name and description..
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http://www.cosvm.org/ wrote:
There's no brain left at Scientology.

I mean good fucking grief, they have a frothingly insane dwarf running the crime syndicate, an equally insane cunt by the name of Helena Kobrin who works with theunindicted co-conspirator Kendrick Moxon, and a frothingly kooky Ava P. standing around shitting themselves in frustration at the _lawful_ destruction of their criminal empire.

Then along comes script kiddies to further shit on their corn flakes.

So what does the crime bosses do? Do they send out Tom Cruise with his Master Race super OT 8 magic powers?

No. They send out their frothingly insane customers to spew insane complaints about how the world is some how "persecuting our religion."

Yeah, the Gambino Mafia family was as a "religion." --snert--

It's amusing in so many ways. I am VERY MUCH OPPOSED to the script kiddy attacks against the crime syndicate's web servers. It doesn't do anything useful. But I'm glad everytime I see the fucker's (and I mean the buggered dwarf David Miscaviage) blood pressure rise.

So sayeth Fredric L. Rice, founding member of the ARSCC which does not exist.
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findjohn wrote:
What a looser. His career's going to be in the shitter if he keeps this up.
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Anonisgod wrote:
I lol'd so hard. Relevant to anon's interests. "the voice matches with some recordings of Xenu in our possession?" plain old computer engineering. call in the roflcopters.
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epluz wrote:
My fucking goodness. Xenu? The 'cyborg' voice is computer generated.

EPIC FAIL. More lulz for us.
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anon wrote:
Scientology locks people up.
Scientology lies.
Scientology is breaking the law.
Scientology has a long, well-documented history of criminal activities.
Scientology attacks free speech.
Scientology hurts people.
http://www.scientology-lies...
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Terryeo-Lightfield-Arkaitz-Churilov-Luan wrote:
I'm not a Scientologist but I went to several Scientology web sites and think that what it has
to offer is very much needed in our world. They do a lot of good
things. I remember reading something in the Katrina news too
about Scientology crews there and John Travolta going around in
a boat to help. I have a lot of respect for John Travolta and
personally am moved by Tom Cruz's passion for what he believes
in. I did notice that no matter how angry they become in their
subject of passion, they don't lower themselves to the level you
have permitted yourselves to sink. But then that is likely normal
ops for you in daily life. You guys are a bunch of bored
computer nerds with too much time on your hands. I don't care
how far fetched a religion seems or how passionate the
members. But what I read so far was positive and actually quiet
admirable. I found a personality test on one of the sites. I'm
tired tonight but I'm going to take it tomorrow. Interesting. Back
off and get a life okay
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Bobby wrote:
Oh, for pity's sake.
-=READ THIS BEFORE POSTING SOMETHING TO EMBARRASS YOURSELF.=-
This. Article. Is. A. Parody.
Please, please, PLEASE consider your sources, good folk. There are MORE than enough labels here to indicate that this article is a work of parody.
1. First line of the article. "Rotters" isn't a major international newswire -- it's making fun of "Reuters."

2. Read the fine print. Directly below the article is a description of this site's mission: "Unconfirmed Sources political satire and news story parodies...[the] above are...fictitious." Clicking the text goes to the site's disclaimer which explains the above in more detail.

3. Look at the image. The image over Mr. Cruise's shoulder is an obvious fake. Note the angle of the bottom of the backdrop, the crispness of the image in comparison to the fuzziness of the bottom of the backdrop, and the relative lack of blur on the right side of Mr. Cruise's head. One copy of the original image is at http://crazymonk.org/images... .

3. The fact that Google News or any other news feeds link to something does NOT imply in any way that the article in question is true or accurate. Google News is just an application of Google's search technology to a particular information format. The material it references is not vetted in any meaningful fashion. Most reasonable folk wouldn't automatically believe something they found while using Google to search the Web; this is no different. Besides, Google News clearly labels the source as "Unconfirmed Sources (satire)."

(Maybe if schools and universities spent a bit more time teaching research techniques, applied logic, and practical civics, we'd see fewer folk falling for pyramid schemes, quack cures, dodgy new-age religions, conspiracy theories, and incoherent political spiels...but I digress.)
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anonymous wrote:
epic lulz
anonymous is legion.
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Simply Anonymous wrote:
We are legion.
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Anonymous wrote:
Destroy them all, those fucking idiots.

Bring it on Cruise!
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Pool-s closed due to Thetans wrote:
Come get us.
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Anon wrote:
IT WAS EBAUM'S WORLD DAMN IT!!! NOT ANON!!!
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David wrote:
WE HAS XENU ON OUR SIDE NOW BITCHES!
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Mike wrote:
Lulz once only LOL (laughing out loud). Replaced by LOLz (z to the max, the end, the most). Yielding Lulz, the emotion felt after beating the other down in a long argument. INDEED! said T'lac! The emotion most central to the Jaffa philosophy. Our snakes live on Lulz. Lulz on!
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shit_a_thetan wrote:
Epic lulz.
And. For the dicks who can't understand what parody is; google the word at least before you come here and show your ignorance.

I hope none of you are anon.

How embarrassment if so.
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shit_a_thetan wrote:
Try not to feed terryeo the Scifag butplug that comments in most blog spaces relating to hating scifaggery.

It's probably short man miscavage trying to drum up business. He must need a new car or something.
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Anonymous wrote:
why are there a bunch of name fags in here
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AnonJ wrote:
lulz, Terryeo trolling again.

This guy is WAY too quick.
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Enigma wrote:
The Church of ScienTOMogy? He is a nutter or what. Does he really think the FBI would believe that Xenu is Anonymous? Seriously? He has really lost the plot now...
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MAZ wrote:
We are Anonymous
We are legion
We do not forget
We do not forgive
Expect us

I respect Anonymous and the others who are following their beliefs, We are a different threat, like Anonymous we are here to shut you down, but unlike them, we know how to silence you without the world shedding one tear.

We are MAZ
We know your fears
We know truth
We discover justice
_______________________________


Jokeer smile youre fucker wrote:
I LIVE FOR ANONYMOUS
The Sceintolgy Most Die!
_______________________________


Terry Wrist wrote:
I had no idea Microsoft Sam was Xenu. You learn something new every day, lulz.

Honestly. The Co$ couldn't get much more retarded than claiming that Anonymous, who've been around for a long time and have only just *noticed* the $cifags, are in the employ of the fictional alien entity, 'Xenu'. Lol wut?

As for tracking down, 'hackers on steroids' (lulz), I'd advise all of the, 'Anonymous' members who DDoS'd the Co$ to buy a dog asap. Seems to me like Anonymous and the Co$ are *perfect* for each other - like an enzyme and a substrate. Anonymous; its mindset, its methods, its outlook and its rapturous, almost heroic vitality, are both the antithesis and perhaps the antidote to the Church of $cientology's insidious, faceless authoritarianism (not to mention the unadulterated absurdity of its explanation for Anonymous, and its treatment of critics and the general public). As an observer I can't help but feel that this scenario stepped right out of a masterfully-crafted literary epic: with a personification of the freedom-fighting, idealistic, youthful protagonists, and of the wicked imperialist theocracy that they fearlessly confront and attempt to destroy.

I think I know who the public's routing for here. Both have their share of skeletons in the proverbial closet; but the Co$ has many more, and their deaths - real deaths - were far more terrible than anythign Anonymous has even attempted to accomplish in the past.

Oh yes - and apparently they're, 'terrorists'. Lol wut? One moron posts on an imageboard that he's going to blow up football stadiums and suddenly *all* of these kids are terrorists? HAHAHA. Logic is strangely absent.

As for Faux News - I can honestly say they needed to, 'lurk moar' as it is said.
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Anonymous wrote:
We are Anonymous, We Are Legion
We Do Not Forgive, We do Not Forget.

We will continue to dismantle the church of Scientology from the inside out until it lays in ruins, a forgotten religion like the babylonian Gods and Goddesses of Ancient times.

We are Anonymous, We are legion,
We do Not forgive, We do not Forget,
Expect Us!
_______________________________


Anonymous wrote:
Terry Wrist,

the football stadium guy you are talking about wrote that in a thread made for making the scariest story, it wasnt' an actual terror threat.

nice third paragraph, you should be a movie director
_______________________________


Anonymous wrote:
"take down anonymous"
lololololol

Okay, you do that, what with our intricate leadership architecture and heirarchy.
OWAIT
_______________________________


iesvs wrote:
Terryeo-Lightfield-Arkaitz-Churilov-Luan wrote:

Terryeo wrote:

"I'm not a Scientologist..."

Yes, you are, moron. What's with you unknown scifag supporters and your multiple names ('Angela Gupta Reyes07 Bruce Benson' comes to mind)? Are those your 'Scientology names'? Btw, you guys suck balls at making a case to support your 'religion'. You don't even now how to spell your living prophets name. Tom 'Cruz'? What is he, Spanish now? Keep posting your propaganda bullsh*t along with 'Angela' all over the web--you're just digging a hole. ANONYMOUS FTW
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WOLF wrote:
No fear.
No judgement.
No mercy.

I am not on the scientologist side or the Anonymous side. They are all sick twisted and evil. You probably want to know who we are? We are the WOLF. We lash out on infidels and fascists like Anonymous until we drive them out of power. You got a lot of nerve to come here. Dont think we are small, because we have friends OUTSIDE of the internet.

Friends will praise us...
enemies will fear us!
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WOLF for life! wrote:
No fear.
No judgement.
No mercy.

Imagine 9/11! Anonymous is the twin towers and the WOLF is the plane that crashes into it! You think we are a nuisance but we are a REAL legion! We work together as a pack and will maul Lulz! This has gone far enough and it is up to the WOLF to kill it's advisary!

Friends will praise us...
Enemies will fear us!
_______________________________


THE WOLF wrote:
No fear.
No judgement.
No mercy.

You are now facing against a hungry beast! We are now the predator and you are the prey! Try and stop us if you can! You will regret destroying the lives of people with your trolling and death threats!

Friends will admire us...
enemies will fear us!
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FUCK YOU!!! wrote:
you are fucking retards!!! Anonymous are fucking retards!!! You guys talk shit to Christians!!!! You all know scientology is the best!!!! Fuck you guys!!!! Fuck you!!! Fuck you!!! Fuck you!!! Fuck you!!! Fuck you!!! Fuck you!!! Fuck you!!! Fuck you!!! Fuck you!!! Fuck you!!! Fuck you!!! Fuck you!!! Fuck you!!! Fuck you!!! Fuck you!!! Fuck you!!! Fuck you!!! Fuck you!!! Fuck you!!! Fuck you!!! Fuck you!!! Fuck you!!! Fuck you!!! Fuck you!!! Fuck you!!! Fuck you!!! Fuck you!!! Fuck you!!! Fuck you!!! Fuck you!!! Fuck you!!! Fuck you!!! Fuck you!!! Fuck you!!! Fuck you!!! Fuck you!!! Fuck you!!! Fuck you!!! Fuck you!!! Fuck you!!! Fuck you!!! Fuck you!!! Fuck you!!! Fuck you!!! Fuck you!!!

My AIM name is
angelinriotgear if anyone tries to fuck with me!!!

FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!
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angelinriotgear returns! Fuckers!!! wrote:
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_______________________________


Spleenfat wrote:
This is spleenfat. *sigh* angelinriotgear Is really a troll. She posts random messages in my profile but I marked them as spam. I am not actually afraid of anonymous but angelinriotgear is probably part of Scientology.
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Anonymous wrote:
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAIDS
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Xenu wrote:
Lol.
_______________________________

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