Phoenix, AZ (Faux Sports) - Hours before the kickoff for Super Bowl LXII, New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick has come forward, admitting to using spy satellite technology to scout today's opponents, the New York Giants. Belichick cited a guilty conscience and the fact that the story was about to be broken from a number of sources as his reasons for coming forward. Belichick offered a vague apology for his role in the matter and demanded that he be given immunity in any subsequent investigation.
"When your government approaches you and demands cooperation, you don't really have any choice," stated a slightly emotional Belichick to reporters gathered at the Glendale, AZ Cardinal's stadium complex. "There appears to be a lot more riding on this game than our undefeated season. The Bush administration has insisted upon a win for the Patriots at all costs. With all of the bad news of the economy and the Iraq occupation, I suppose that they are desperate for some good news and stability for America."
Belichick detailed for reporters the real-time high resolution imagery that was given to the Patriots over the last two weeks. "It's unbelievable what they're able to do," stated Belichick. "We were able to see exactly who Eli Manning called on his cell phone, whether it was his fiancée, his dad or his brother. We're to the point where we can pretty well call their plays before they do."
The White House refused comment as to the specifics of Belichick's charges. "It's important that this Super Bowl plays out for the American people without our interference," stated White House press secretary Dana Perino. "If indeed these accounts appear to be true at a future date, then certainly Mr. Belichick should be granted individual immunity just as other corporations who have been central in fighting the war on terror. He should not be exposed to all manner of frivolous lawsuits."
NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell stated that the Super Bowl will be played as usual today despite its likely outcome. "We may look into the possibility of rebates for disgruntled fans," stated Goodell . "I have taken it upon my authority to go ahead and destroy all tapes and other materials confiscated from the Patriots organization over the last two weeks, prior to any type of investigation that may be called for. The NFL maintains an attitude of total cooperation when national security is at stake."
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