Alaska Governor Sarah Palin Admits to Masturbating
by NickFun
Palin says she likes to dress like a slut and drink wine before she masturbates
44-year-old former beauty queen, Alaska Governor and newly announced vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin admitted in an unusually candid interview this afternoon that she has frequently masturbated during her term as governor.

"My husband is frequently out of town on business", Ms Palin stated in reference to her husband, BP oil executive Todd Palin. "During those times I have found ample opportunity to explore the pleasures of my own body".

Ms Palin stated that she sometimes feels conflicted between her insatiable desire to achieve orgasm and her Evangelical Christian beliefs. "I think God will forgive me for this one guilty pleasure", she hoped.

Palin's husband Todd claimed that he had no idea of his wife's masturbatory habit. "She never told me she did that!" he exclaimed. "Had I known by the will of Jesus I would have forced her to stop!"

Ms`Palin claimed that she sometimes fantasizes about men of power such as Cuban dictator Fidel Castro, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, Israeli President Shimon Peres, Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao and female German Chancellor Angela Merkel.

"I don't consider myself a lesbian or bisexual but that Merkel is HOT", Palin declared.

Some sources believe that Palin came "out of the closet" with her masturbation habits to simply attract masturbating female voters.

"I just think we should be honest with the American People", she said later.

Arizona Senator John McCain fully supports his running mates self-exploratory pleasures. "I did that myself once when I was in college", McCain stated.

 
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Unconfirmed Sources political satire and news story parodies as represented above are written as satire or parody. They are, of course, fictitious.

Your Comments



Shawna wrote:
Get a real hobby because this is just pitiful. Try putting Photoshop to some good use.
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nickfun wrote:
I didn't do the Photoshop Shawna. I guess you failed to see the humor. Thousands of others seem to like it.
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Brooks wrote:
It's clearly fake but I don't see a significant amount of humor. It is puerilely nasty.
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nickfun wrote:
And Brooks, can you explain how you found this story? It's not exactly #1 on Google news. Could you have Googled Sarah Palin Masturbating perhaps?
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Shirley Andrews wrote:
Totally disgusting to slander such a beautiful lady. Get a life! Do something worthwhile in your life.
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nickfun wrote:
And how did YOU find this story Shirley? I don't consider it slander at all. It's the thing everyone does but no one talks about. I suspect you are a Republican.
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Doug wrote:
Funnier than heck! And I'm VOTING for this ticket (probably)! Lighten up, folks...
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Kevin wrote:
Before you resort to this kind of 'humor', you might think long and hard about how it will be received by women voters who are trying to decide who to vote for. Someone who is neither especially conservative, nor especially liberal, but who thinks the idea of a woman in the White House is kind of cool.

McCain puts a woman on the ticket, and heaps praise on her; his party treats her like a rock star.

Obama's party rejects an immensely qualified female candidate, and heaps sexually-charged, misogynistic scorn on any woman who dares run for either party.

Not a pretty picture, is it?

In my opinion, Obama is going to lose, and he will have his own supporters to blame for it.

(And since it matters to you so much: I found this by doing a Google Image search for "sarah palin". Because, yeah, on top of everything else she has going for her, I think she's hot.)
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Natalie wrote:
Wow,

It's funny, cause when that old fart McCain dies of OLD AGE soon, she may be the future of America! That is terrifying. I am a female, and it is a complete slap in the face to the whole the female race to nominate a woman who doesn't even stand for women's rights! I think this is funny. Her appearnces make up for her speeches!
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nickfun wrote:
Egads Kevin! Not pretty AT ALL!!! Perhaps I should simply write about how totally unqualified Palin is for the job. Dan Quayle revisited in a female form.

I'm glad some people got the joke.
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nickfun wrote:
Natalie, thank you. ou are totally correct. I don't think McCain should be in the White House and I would even less like Palin running the country.
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Doug wrote:
Just a quick question here: how come women who don't view abortion as the first, much less final, solution to the problem du jour are labeled as not being supportive of 'women's rights'? I would think that any female who has actually brought kids into this world and life would be eminently qualifed to have an opinion and belief system visa vis abortion. Oh well....
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FARNHAM MAXWELL wrote:
Rubbish.....but alot of fun..no mention of baby pics on a now extinct polar bear rug?....
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ATABA wrote:
God bless America with this sort politician...
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Gina wrote:
This is just messed up. Do you really want to hurt Gov. Palin this much? I pity upon the time given in your life. :/ Find something productive to do, perv.

P.S. I hope you get sued. :)
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Crow wrote:
Maybe someone should ask Mrs. Palin how it is, that she say's she respects Hillery Clinton, but chooses to run with a man who made a joke about Hillery's daughter being so ugly because Janet Reno is her father!
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nickfun wrote:
So, Gina hopes I get sued! That would be nice Gina. I could write a story about Palin violating the First Amendment. Sadly, I doubt it will happen.
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persianwarrior wrote:
she can ride my iranian long-range missile any time she feels like it..
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manam wrote:
Kiram behet. osse khoobi hasti vase gaeedan az aghab.
Man liset mizanam ta maghze koon.
Ham koone to ham koone 2khtaret ke kosse tazekare.
Az koonet bokhoram jigar.
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gtz wrote:
Who's the "immensely qualified female candidate" the democrat's rejected?
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jes wrote:
ummmm, where's the photo? Put it back up.
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Anonymous wrote:
The PHOTO part of this is REAL.
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Rizzle wrote:
I didn't find this piece by googling "Sarah Palin masturbating". I found it by googling "examples of very mildly humorous satire". Good show.
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k7leetha wrote:
More fake crap. Not funny. It's disinformation.
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nickfun wrote:
Is it disinformation k7leetha? Is that to say Palin has never masturbated? Perhaps she has never experienced orgasm even after 5 children? Wouldn't that be an even worse story? Who's to says it's actually fake!
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Vernon Fry wrote:
Nickfun, I noted by your replys that you do have a political opinion and therefore your humor has an agenda!

Are you being disingenuous by calling this piece humor?

The Head Funny
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fsadfsd wrote:
Looks great!
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Dr. Schucter,M.D wrote:
nickfun, you are mentally diseased and need profession help.
Please email me!
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nickfun wrote:
The Head Funny does not find this piece humorous? Sorry if I offended you and your pro-war, pro death penalty, anti-choice sensibilities Vernon. This piece was intended as a joke! Lighten up.

Dr Schucter, do I get a free lolipop?
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nickfun wrote:
As for everyone, I don't give two shits as to wether or not she masturbates. Seeing as how nearly 30,000 IP addresses have read this so far, I am sure she has already read it, steamed over it, pissed her pants over it and gotten over it.
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King wrote:
The question is: Will it matter when you pull the lever/mark 'X' in the box/complete the arrow/fill-in the circle/whatever your town/city/village uses as a voting forum?

Whether you like it or not, or have an indifferent opinion, nickfun got your attention! Maybe, that's a GOOD thing.

:-)

USE your Brain & think OUTSIDE the box!

ps - if you're keeping score - I got this from a colleague.

Bye-Bye now ...
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Robert J wrote:
I'll tell you how I found it....a scumbag like you (dickpun) sent it to me in my e-mail
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Harriet Ross Tubman wrote:
God, I wish it were true, that she were so sensual and that she could be so open and honest about it. That would be lovely. People who are offended by this must either repress their own sexuality or deny it. Great piece.
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nickfun wrote:
Thanks Harriet. Sexuality is not something we can discuss openly in this country. I wrote a piece here recently about Palin's granddaughter being immaculately conceived. Given her views on sex I figured that's the only way it could have happened!
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nickfun wrote:
Hey Robert J! Are you still friends with this guy? How could he have done something so underhanded as to send you something like this??? Might I suggest you beat the crap out of him! Smack him in the nose! Break his arms!

...and how did HE find it?
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serg wrote:
hey i believed it!!!
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serg wrote:
good story nick!!
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nickfun wrote:
Thanks serg. Don't forget to give it a "thumbs up"!
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Vernon Fry wrote:
I think you are being intellectualy dishonest when you try to pass this piece off as humor. It is your motives which you deny that are in question.
You know absolutely nothing about me; whether I am pro war, pro death penalty or anti choice. I would have written the same comments whether it was the candidate from either party. Now go ahead and have the last word.

Head Funny
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Jugglr wrote:
ok, folks...yes, it's in bad taste. But, at least it's *obviously* a joke.

Many of the Republican attacks are in much *worse* taste, but are pushed as being true. Ex: the scurrilous attacks on McCain's daughter by Bush's crew 8 years ago. Ex: Swift Boat. THe list goes on and on.

Lighten up, folks. This is kid's play compared to the attacks on Democrats by the underbelly of the Republicans.
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Cheese Dick wrote:
Makes me want to beat off. Again.
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nickfun wrote:
Hey Vernon, I apologize. You are right. Now gimme a big bear hug man.
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TC Dick wrote:
This is not funny at all, is probably hurtful to a woman of relgious responsibilty and embarassing for her young children. You people are very irresposible.
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Stuart wrote:
It's hilarious (from a British point of view). Hehe, keep them coming... erm...
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nickfun wrote:
When I first showed this story to my girlfriend she said "that's not funny" while she was laughing.
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Ed wrote:
Hahaha...Funny. Made my day...Come on people... have some sense of humor...
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Camillus wrote:
As long as people can get excited about whether or not it may be in bad taste or hurtful or obscene to lampoon the criminal class euphemistically referred to as politicians but can ignore the murder of a million innocents by that same class (in our name) there is no hope. Ridicule, scorn, ribald humor are minimally appropriate responses to the pathologically egotistical, delusional and callous murderous pricks (and now to the eternal shame of Woman, cunts) that populate the political landscape. Fuck McCain, fuck Obama, fuck this stupid cow. And God (will) fuck America. Well done son. It's wasted effort, but well done.
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Paco26 wrote:
This shit is freaking Hilarios! You people argue about pity shit! The only thing that matters here is, that the only reason she is nominated for VP is because Clinton lost and so Mc wants the female vote and everyone who was supporting Hillary. That's all folks!

It's all games when it comes to politics! And sadly our country doesn't see past the charade.
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timmy wrote:
I'm a regestered Democrat and I think your a FUCKING IDIOT!
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nickfun wrote:
My heart is broken Timmy. I wrote this just so you and I could be friends.
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David Maynard wrote:
The last time I checked you were supposed to pick a candidate based on their qualifications to delegate and lead the country, not their sex. McCain lost my vote with his VP choice. He picked gov of a state with a smaller population than 17 US cities who's only previously experience was mayor of a town of 6750. Obama picked a 25 year veteran senator who's chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee and past chairman of the Senate Judiciary Committee.

Who would you want picking the next cabinet?
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Joyce wrote:
The most shocking this this parody is that it implies Palin knows who Castro, Peres, Merkel and Wen Jiabao are.
China has a ton of America's jobs and money. And it needs a strong Western nation to guide it through democratic development or else the world will have a giant Communist enemy on its hands. It's really important.
Now, seriously, how many people here think Sarah Palin really knows who Wen Jiabao is?
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WHOSYERDADDY wrote:
SHE`S A FRIGGIN HOTTIE. I`D LOVE TO BUTTER HER MUFFIN WHILE TODD IS AWAY.
:>Ž~~~~
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nickfun wrote:
Joyce you are probably right. I'd bet she doesn't know who Gandhi was.
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Carly wrote:
Thanks Bro! Keep this stuff up and you will get this hot piece of ass in front of the TV camera's for the next 4 years! You are a wonderful "next gen" Republican
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nickfun wrote:
You talking to me Carly?
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Thomas Wilson wrote:
This without a doubt is hilarious!!! Some people just need to get a sense of humor...politicians are corrupt and out of touch with people...why not make fun of them once and a while...spice up politics a little...good job with this article!!!
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nickfun wrote:
Thanks Tom. I suspect even some of those putting the article down were secretly laughing.
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Bob Hope wrote:
These Nuts.
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nickfun wrote:
Bob Hope! I thought you were dead! Great to see you again man!
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Arnold Palmer wrote:
Palin is a skank. Alaskans need civilization more than religion.
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Palin for Porno wrote:
Imagine if she said the hell with it, we're not going to win. Then made a masturbation porno. It would be the biggest seller of all time. She's damn fine and I'd pay for that!!!
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todd wrote:
Hot stuff, definitely one of my top ten MILF's of the week.

Bravo!
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Vasco wrote:
Hi,My name is Vasco, i“m chilean.
jajajajaja.....mmmmm, she“s hot,

More than us,latins.
”””very good legs””””
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shoopdawoop wrote:
haha! not the best shop in the world, but pretty funny article. Pay no mind to these assholes critisizing your humor. It's only because they have none. That and many of them are probably on payroll for Republican anti-slander crews.
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nickfun wrote:
Thanks shoopdawoop. They can say anything they want. Unlike the United States, this is a forum for free speech!
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NOP (from Germany) wrote:
It's funny, no doubt about it! I had just read the lengthy article in "Rolling Stone" about McCain (Oct 16) so your last sentence ("I did it once...") made me rofl!
For your statistics: I found this by simply googling for pics of "Sarah Palin" - although I am miles away from her political opinion, I think she really is hot!
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nickfun wrote:
I agree NOP. I think even most lefties would not deny her hotness. However, within that hot exterior lies a wretched beast. I don't want that hot peice of ass anywhere in government, much less in the highest office.
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KPassah wrote:
I don't think she's particularly hot. Beside the fact that there's more to "hot" than looks; there also has to be a personality and a brain, not to mention the obvious... something that sensitive guys who like walks on the beach would never DARE mention: She's had FIVE KIDS. You probably have to strap a 2 x 4 to your ass to keep yourself from fallin' in, guys...
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nickfun wrote:
That thought also occurred to me KPassah. You would need at least a Volkswagen to satisfy that cavern.
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Alex wrote:
funny... some of u people need to calm ur asses down... if u have nothing nice to say then dont say anything at all... ur opinions make no difference
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nickfun wrote:
It's ok Alex. I find it very entertaining to hear what the Palin supporters have to say :)
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gruff wrote:
Oh, I don't know. Were she to accede to the White House, I think knowing she's human enough to masturbate and admit it makes me feel more comfortable with her.
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nickfun wrote:
I might tend to agree with you Gruff. Sadly, this story is a joke. Even is she does masturbate I'm sure it's the last thing she would ever tell anyone.
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Deviouz1 wrote:
my god you people are completely humorless. pathetic. if youre offended by something this harmless you need to get out more.
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nickfun wrote:
Agreed Deviouz1! I can't believe how much controversy this silly story generated. I think readers need to masturbate more.
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a pastor wrote:
masturbation is not sin. please see this:
http://www.themarriagebed.com
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Philip Blake wrote:
I'm what might be called an extreme liberal, and while I would never vote for her, I certainly would feel safer knowing she is in office if she actually admitted she was capable of embracing her human nature. People who repress themselves in such ways are unstable, even down-right dangerous. If masturbation were illegal (and of course abortion and non-religious sex ed along with it), unwanted pregnancies and rape would be sky high. Also, I wouldn't have guessed that photo is fake, and I would give props to a politician not afraid to be open about their sex appeal (you think Sarah isn't secretly using that to her advantage?). Sheesh...as bad as the petty dems jumping on the witchcraft GOPer!
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