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South Carolina Man Couldn't Care Less About Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett or Mark Sanford
by NickFun
Farrah is one of the three Jenkins couldn't care less about.
Gabe Jenkins, a 45-year-old South Carolina truck driver, claimed he really has no interest in the stories surrounding the deaths of Michael Jackson or Farrah Fawcett or the marital infidelities of South Carolina governor Mark Sanford.

"I got other things on my mind", Jenkins stated. "I got three kids who like to eat and a wife who likes to buy herself pretty things. I've got a damn mortgage payment and gophers eating up my front yard. I don't give a damn about no dead singer or actress. And if the governor wants to fly off to some poor country and have sex with some Argentine belly dancer who gives a shit".

Jenkins wife claimed she was planning to divorce her husband because of his heartless and uncaring attitude toward the more fortunate. "He never did like Michael, an obviously distraught Peggy Sue Jenkins told the media. "He'd rather get drunk and listen to C&W. And he was always complaining that Farrah's tits was too small. Then he told me that he didn't give a damn about what our governor did".

Other people throughout the country have expressed disinterest in either Farrah, Michael or Mark but this is the first known instance of anyone not caring about all three.

Psychiatrists interviewed claim Jenkins is selfish and self absorbed. One psychiatrist, who asked not to be named, suspected that Jenkins is a closeted sociopath, possibly with murderous tendencies.

"How can anyone not feel grief or bewilderment at a time like this?" the psychiatrist asked. "I would like to check the woods behind his house for bodies!"
 
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Unconfirmed Sources political satire and news story parodies as represented above are written as satire or parody. They are, of course, fictitious.

Your Comments



Dee Ablo wrote:

This is news because...?

Worry about your own families people.

Turn off your TV, and go outside with YOUR children and freinds. LIVE!!!

It's really easy, and rewarding...
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nickfun wrote:

You tell 'em Dee Ablo! Tell people to get off their asses and stop reading Unconfirmed Sources..wait a minute...never mind.
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skeptico wrote:

Is this news from confirmed sources? I doubt ...
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Mike Licht wrote:

Are you kidding? Governor Mark Sanford is down on his knees thanking the Lord for taking those weird Show biz types to His bosom. Nothing else would have gotten the South Carolina sleazebag off the front page.

See:

http://notionscapital.wordp...
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nickfun wrote:

I'm sure he's down on his knees but I don't think he's thanking anyone!
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misa wrote:

I do miss Farrah Fawcett. Grew up wishing to be like her.
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nickfun wrote:

I wanted to be more like Lee Majors. He was doing Farrah.
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Lord Howard Hurts wrote:

Who are these people, Michael Jackson or Farrah? Did they invent the telephone or lawn mower? I ma with this truck driver, and I don't like truck drivers because they are too agressive on the highway. Now you have to make allowances for truck drivers. They are out there working and driving their trucks, and have that long, hard, stick in their hand so much of the time. Good thing that someone invented the transmission. It wasn't Michael Jackson or Farrah was it?
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Lord Howard Hurts wrote:

Who are these people, Michael Jackson or Farrah? Did they invent the telephone or lawn mower? I am with this truck driver, and I don't like truck drivers because they are too agressive on the highway. Now you have to make allowances for truck drivers. They are out there working and driving their trucks, and have that long, hard, stick in their hand so much of the time. Good thing that someone invented the automatic transmission. It wasn't Michael Jackson or Farrah was it?
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nickfun wrote:

I'm sure neither one of them actually drove. They had drivers. Farrah had nice tits and Michael could sing and dance. Most truck drivers don't have those qualities. Though, I'm sure Mr. Hurts, you sing and dance nicely and your tits are a thing of wonder.
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Lord Howard Hurts wrote:

Please, Mister nickfun. Don't say "drove" in the company of a truck driver. And as for my ability to sing and dance; alas, I just don't have "rhythm". And speaking of nice tits, have you seen the pictures of President Obama at the ocean? He could get a job at Hooters with those man boobs.
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nickfun wrote:

Lord Howard, the reasons you stated are precisely why your death will be greeted with no more than a simple boring obituary about how much you were loved by your wife and children and you will quickly be forgotten. No one has a poster of you on his/her wall in a slinky bathing suit with your pointed nipples piercing through the fabric. You don't have videos of yourself grabbing your crotch. You probably haven't had any plastic surgery at all!
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nickfun wrote:

BTW, I agree, Obama has a nice set of jugs.
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Lord Howard Hurts wrote:

Mr. nickfun. I am so taken by your sincere thoughts. If I could tie a hangman's noose, I would end it all tonight.
But please note that Lord Howard Hurts does not wear slinky womens wear or grab his crotch just to impress fantasy seekers. Lord Howard Hurts grabs his crotch because he has an itch that Blue Ointment just can't take seem to quell. And Lord Howard Hurts doesn't use plastic for anything. Only 18K gold will due.
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nickfun wrote:

Lord Hurts, please learn to dance. Crotch grabbing without dancing is simply obscene and when you pass on people will say, "man, could that truck driver dance".
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