HOLLYWOOD - Golfer Tiger Woods and tough-guy-turned-nanny Vin Diesel have joined Dim Son, Unconfirmed Sources astrologer to the stars, at the top of their respective professions. As Woods regained golf's number one ranking over the weekend, and Diesel's new movie The Pacifier surged to number one at the box office, Dim Son was honored by the Information Technology Professionals Association of America (ITPAA) as "the Internet's most trusted astrologer."
ITPAA, an advocacy group based in Wilmington, Delaware, praised Dim Son for his "near prophetic ability to divine the future by correctly foretelling events in the lives of Bill Gates, Mel Gibson, Pauly Shore, Madonna, and Boy George last week.
"I don't know how he does it," said ITPAA president Skip Gardner. "The Bill Gates knighthood thing. Mel Gibson being stalked. Pauly Shore in a new movie! None of us here at ITPAA saw those coming. Who even knew Pauly Shore was still alive? And don't get me started about the Madonna-Boy George feud."
In remarks following his acceptance of the ITPAA award, Dim Son thanked the organization for a lovely dinner—"something told me it was going to be chicken"—then he distributed advanced copies of his predictions for this week.
Cancer (6/22 - 7/22): Your financial galaxy is threatened by spam rising in the house of come-ons this quarter. Do not open e-mail with the words opportunity, money, or cash in the subject line. Do not visit Web sites that require proof of age before permitting you to log on. Avoid chat rooms sponsored by any business.
Leo (7/23 - 8/22): Once in a hundred leap years, when Sirius Doggy Dogg enters the House of the Seven Gables, a canine is born whose birthdays are not divisible by seven. Many will be this wonder dog's blessings, and great will be his wealth and fame, but he still won't be allowed in restaurants unless accompanied by a blind person.
Virgo (8/23 - 9/22): A bolt of lightning from a summer storm strikes the invisible-fence box on your cat's collar. When the cat wakes up, she is able to read people's minds. The heightened intensity this talent brings to watching television more than makes up for the knowledge that her owners spend most of their time thinking really trivial thoughts.
Libra (9/23 - 10/23): A compelling individual raises the specter of duality and adjectives in your mind. Is this person someone to revere for life or just a dazzling smile looking for a toothpaste ad? I'm sorry, it's time for Dim Son's lunch break now. Please hold for one of our operators, and be sure to have your credit card handy.
Scorpio (10/24 - 11/21): Your request to change your birth date legally so that it coincides with the Aztec calendar turns the worldwide judicial community on its briefs. Bill Gates likes the idea, however, and promptly releases Windows 8736 with a cool screen saver in which his face morphs into the image of the Sun God.
Sagittarius (11/22 - 12/21): An unforseen adjustment in the solar system creates a 13th sign of the zodiac, Ten-Ten-Three-Two-One. Homeless people hired on commission to shill this mutant sign will call while you're having dinner to ask aggressively if you're satisfied with your present astrological carrier. Tell them you can't talk with your mouth full.
Capricorn (12/22 - 1/19): Capricorns are fascinated by square roots, the predictions of Nostrodamus, and the music of Lawrence Welk. This partially explains why Capricorns are seldom on anybody's A-list. Capricorns' mistaken notion that pocket protectors and socks with sandals constitute a fashion statement completes the explanation.
Aquarius (1/20 - 2/18): "You tactfulness and grace under pressure always put others at their ease." Does that sound as if Dim Son's quoting from a fortune-cookie rerun? If it does, perhaps the comptroller of the Mighty Sons, Daughters, and Other Children of Aquarius forgot to renew the group's subscription to Dim Son's weekly newsletter.
Pisces (2/19 - 3/20): The Jeopardy answer is, "They changed themselves into fish one day to avoid being captured by the horrible monster Typhon." If you correctly asked, "Who are Venus and her son, Cupid?" you win a trip to a Jimmy Buffett concert. If you answered incorrectly, you win two trips to a Jimmy Buffett concert.
Aries (3/21 - 4/19): Your love life has all the appeal of rancid tuna, and your ears smell like they need cleaning. You will consider throwing the I Ching. Forget it. Someone might throw it back. Ixnay on those satisfaction-guaranteed 800 numbers, too. Pray instead to St. Polident, the patron saint of those who are losing their grips.
Taurus (4/20 - 5/20): When Dim Son tossed the Candy Corn of Knowledge, the kernels fell into the shape of a boot or a cow's udder. Dim Son couldn't make out which because the dog ate the corn. You will go on a prosperous journey (boot); someone is going to put the squeeze on you (udders); or the dog is going to get sick.
Gemini (5/21 - 6/21): The confluence of the medial tarsal galaxies is propitious for economic ventures, but a duck-billed cap with a removable brim that converts into a pooper-scooper may be a little outre for the shopping-channel crowd. Reproductions of the First Dogs' food bowls might fly, though you may have to fake a few because some of those dogs were fed off the White House floor.