Casper, Wyoming (APE) - Millions of children worldwide awoke with tears of anguish and frustration and empty Easter baskets as they coped with the tragic news that the Easter Bunny was dead. He was slain early this morning in the predawn hours by Vice President Dick Cheney who was enjoying an Easter hunting expedition at a rabbit hunting farm south of Casper, Wyoming. The vice president had reportedly slain over 150 rabbits in the twilight hours before the incident occurred, and was packaging them as gifts for friends and families for their Easter dinners.
The owner of the ranch, E. Fudd is a longtime friend of the vice president, and most notably a $200,000 contributor and member of President Bush's "Pioneer" campaign funding group. Fudd had this to say: "With the vice president's and the White House press office's permission, we decided to go ahead and speak with the press about this pretty early on. There was no alcohol involved in this incident whatsoever. As near as we can tell, the Easter Bunny had passed very near to where a caged rabbit had been shaken and dumped on the ground. It was overcast this morning, and the lighting was terrible. We couldn't even make out the basket and colored eggs until we almost tripped over them afterwards."
The local sheriff was reportedly investigating the incident. Witnesses at a local Easter vigil ceremony disputed Fudd's claims that no alcohol was involved in the incident. The vice president was reportedly witnessed going through the communion line at least three and possibly four times late the previous evening, and another witness stated that she saw Cheney stumble and catch himself as he left the service.
"I think I know just how he feels," said longtime friend and personal lawyer Harry Whittington. "This must just be devastating to have this happen to him again." Whittington is reportedly flying to Casper to represent Cheney should legal complications arise.
The White House was contacted, and spokesperson Scott McClellan stated: "The president is saddened by this news, and out of respect will be canceling the traditional Easter egg roll on the White House lawn which was to be held in support of gay parents this year. Regrettably the president was not going to be able to attend anyway. As there appears to be an ongoing investigation into the incident it would not be appropriate to comment further. The president wants to assure America that Easter will go on, and he urges parents to say whatever they have to, to help their children through this."
Dr. James Dobson leader of the controversial interest group, Focus on the Family, offered his condolences to the vice president and applauded him for his heroic effort in stemming the tide of what he described as the secularization of Easter.
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(Sung to the tune of "Here Comes Peter Cottontail")
There goes Peter Cottontail
Mistaken for a Texas quail
Watch out, kids Dick Cheney’s out to play!
Shooting in the dimmest light
Anything within his sight,
He killed that bunny dead on Easter Day.
He’s not stopping at one rabbit;
He knows some liberals who
Deserve to meet their Maker,
Some retired generals too!
Oh! Here comes Cheney on the prowl
Searching for a spotted owl
And other creatures that get in the way
Of corporate donors great and small;
Republicans who one and all
Take ethics cues from those like Tom DeLay.
There’s a War on Easter, children;
FOX News has all the spin
But it’s sad to realize, it’s
The only war Dick Cheney can win.
Oh! There goes Peter Cottontail
Mistaken for a Texas quail
Watch out, kids Dick Cheney’s out to play!