Chertoff and Gonzalez Demonstrate Liquid Bomb

by Dood Abides

Washington, DC (Rotters) - The Department of Homeland security today released further information in regards to the terrorist liquid bomb plot in London. The press conference was capped off by a demonstration of the effectiveness of one of the terrorists' proposed devices. Homeland Security Chief Michael Chertoff and Attorney General Alberto Gonzales constructed and detonated a small yield device to the stunned silence of the press in attendance. No one was harmed in the demonstration, but a number of angry photographers were seen wiping residue from lenses. "Just think what could be achieved on a larger scale", stated Chertoff. "No one would have been spared if we have chosen instead to use perhaps a liter bottle of fluid. The same principles can be applied towards a deadly rocket. The administration has been communicating closely with the Israelis and we really believe that as the conflict in Lebanon winds down and the materials and supplies for war dry up they may be faced with just such improvised rockets from Hezbollah." Chertoff also responded to allegations that the United States had raised its terror level to Red for political machinations. "Yes, we did know about the plot for almost 2 weeks before the arrests in London," stated Chertoff, "we simply did not want to ruin the possibility of tripping up more bad guys both domestically and internationally by tipping them off. Only after the arrests on Thursday in Britain and the realization of the effectiveness of the device that you have seen demonstrated today did the president make the correct decision to elevate the terror level." "There were a lot of very ill-informed statements in the press yesterday in regards to the difficulties involved in actually constructing and detonating a liquid bomb," concluded Chertoff. "This is our attempt to set the record straight. You saw for yourself how easy this was, and the materials are readily available in airports, train stations, and movie theaters all over the world." "The war on terror is an ongoing thing," added Attorney General Gonzalez, "we adapt and we improvise and we adjust our tactics. Americans have always been willing to make sacrifices during times of war. Reluctantly, we will institute tomorrow a ban on all carbonated beverages in America as well as suspect over-the-counter breath freshener preparations. Bad breath is a small sacrifice we can all pay in support of our troops overseas." "We will continue to stay ahead of the curve in the war on terror," Gonzalez continued. "As we speak, researchers are investigating and taking steps to maintain the integrity of the nation's bottled water supplies. If need be, we will also issue a ban on all effervescent antacid and denture cleaning materials as well." Gonzales concluded: "While the election defeat of Connecticut senator Joe Lieberman is somewhat of a red flag, we have no reason to suspect any other signs of a growing domestic terrorism problem such as we are seeing in Great Britain. We will, however, continue to remain vigilant and continue to deny material and support for terrorism domestically as best we can." Gonzalez refused to comment on a related story in California that popular "Mythbusters" Adam Savage and Jamie Hyneman had voluntarily surrendered themselves to FBI officials for questioning.

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Unconfirmed Sources political satire and news story parodies as represented above are written as satire or parody. They are, of course, fictitious.

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