Unconfirmedsources.com


Breaking: DNA Results Rule Out Birkhead and Stern as Father, Danni Lynn Cloned

by Dood Abides

Miami, FL (APE) - In a stunning announcement this morning, the office of medical examiners released the results of DNA testing on Danni Lynn, the baby of the late Anna Nicole Smith. A spokesperson declared that testing had conclusively proven that neither Larry Birkhead nor Howard K. Stern had fathered the baby and that indeed Daniel Lynn's DNA was an exact match for her mother's. Both paternity suitors expressed their deepest sorrow and regrets over the results but vowed to stand by them. In a related story, South Korean cloning pioneer, Dr. Hwang Woo-suk stepped forward to claim responsibility and credit for the apparently first successful instance of human cloning in history. He stated that Nicole Smith had approached him late in 2005 over the possibility of cloning herself, and he agreed to the expensive and groundbreaking set of procedures that took place in the Bahamas, and ultimately resulted in the birth of Danni Lynn. The Bush administration immediately condemned the news, and cited the story as ample reason for the Democratic Party to abandon what President Bush has described as misguided and dangerous legislation in regards to stem cell research, which Congress is set to address this week. Far from resolving the issue of who should have custody over baby Danni Lynn, nee Anna Nicole Jr., most legal observers predicted a slew of new lawsuits would ensue. Howard K. Stern has renewed his original bid for custody on the grounds that he is the de facto legal representative and lover of the infant Anna Nicole. Virgie Arthur, the mother of Anna Nicole, has renewed her campaign for custody of Danni Lynn and insists that she will be victorious. "No jury in the land would possibly deny my rights now," stated Arthur. "A daughter should be with her mother." Photographer and former lover Larry Birkhead insisted that if he was not awarded custody, an enormous breach of contract suit would be looming for whomever Danni Lynn was ultimately awarded. Birkhead stated that Danni Lynn had already been contracted to appear as a centerfold in May's upcoming issue of "Playpen", a modern maternity pictorial and current events magazine.

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Unconfirmed Sources political satire and news story parodies as represented above are written as satire or parody. They are, of course, fictitious.

What an amazing pile of crap :)

I'm impressed with your monkeys.

Howard Stern never even did a dna swab or test of any kind. How can you say he is not the biological father?

To Karen:

Um, if the DNA is IDENTICAL to Anna Nicole's, it's a given. He doesn't need to swab!

Karen,

You need to seed the tongue deeply implanted within Unconfirmed's cheek.

Les

Sorry Karen,

I meant to type "See", not "seed".

Les

WOW... do y'all get paid for this stuff?!

this is a crock of $h!+......

It was the other guy.. yellow haired dude

are you guys proud of your selfs to put this shit out there. u guys are somethin crazy. do the world a favor grow a concecnce

i think they should let howard k stern take care of the baby since he was there from day one with anna. she is just a baby and everyone is fighting over her like a piece of candy or something

O.K.

That is it !!!

First I had to stop watching TV & Cable,

NOW ....I'm 'this' close to NOT going to see Films in movie theatres ever again,

....next on the list would be google "News"
because some "body" is sleeping on the job and letting THIS hit my attention.
I just lost all respect for Google News.

Please, this 'dood abide' moniker, dare I use the sacred term: 'writer' ; I better NOT,
YOU killed Google News for me.

I just CAN NOT afford to give my attention to reading Google News anymore.

It is just NOT worth it.
My attention is too precious!!!
...and I will just NOT wallow with the swine...

Let's think of the child. She has been with Larry Birk..now for a few years. He should keep her. The courts should not disrupt her childhood and traumatize the child. He is the best dad. Ana did not feel loved by her natural mom and was resented by both her mom and not respected by men. Howard Stern may be her killer, he should never get her child! He may have even killed her son! It would be insane to give a potential killer her child Dani Lynn. If Anna Nicole did clone herself, it is because she did not trust the very people that have hurt her and she was telling the world that she wanted to in a sense "recreate her own life" by creating a clone of herself, thus baby Dani Lynn. Ana Nicole was probably very intelligent, however the world did not respect what she was labeled. Sometimes reputations can't be fixed because of our judgmental world and they never let go. I feel horribly sorry for Ana Nicole and her baby Dani Lynn. I hope the world protects this child's heart and does not remind her of the lifestyle of her mom that was caught in a trap of the image that the world made of her. I am sure that Ana Nicole really wanted to be respected, but men only really loved her for her body and did not respect her. She was probably a very good person but got caught up in her label the world gave her and it must have grieved her heart so. Let baby stay with Larry if she was cloned. Now it comes down to the best interests of the child (for the courts). Howard might be a killer of her son Danny and Ana. Mom resented her own daughter. What will she do to her granddaughter? Larry truly loves the child and his actions show it. Keep the child there and don't disrupt her formative years. I am an RN, BSN and these years are important. You can't bring them back.