Gunther Schnitzel
Gunther Schnitzel isn't my real name, of course.
I'm a retired NEWSWEEK foreign correspondent. After years of hard news, writing satire allows me to deflate pomposity
Gunther Schnitzel
's
Stories
2008-06-16 BLACKSMITH CREATS ONE HORSEPOWER VEHICLE WHICH USES NO GAS! Why Bush does nothing about excessive gas price. EUROPE PROTESTS FUEL COST, USA DOES NOTHING Indiana Jones film to restart cold war with Russia? IRISH SUPERMARKETS PULL RACIST SAUSAGE FROM SHELVES BILLS BEFORE FLORIDA LEGISLATURE > UNBELIEVABLE! Florida lawmakers debate offering a Christian license plate CLINTON AND OBAMA COMMITTING POLITICAL SUICIDE PAYMENT MISSED, WHITE HOUSE REPOSSESSED! BUSH CANCELS 2008 ELECTION! BUSH TELLS PUTIN, "RUSSIA LAGS BEHIND THE USA" CLINTON PICKS COULTER FOR HER VP Clinton Picks Ann Coulter As Her VP TREASURY SECRETARY PAULSON BUYS JAPANESE MONEY MACHINE OBAMA CONVERTS TO JUDIASM! JOHN MCCAIN'S CHEEK BULGE? HUGE WAD OF TOBACCO! NRA HONORS SCHOOL SHOOTERS ENVIRONMENTAL SOLUTION > DOMED CITIES? US justice chief refuses to call waterboarding torture I BET YOU DIDN'T KNOW HOW SMILEYS ARE MADE! GUNTHER SCHNITZEL SENDS ALL ARMED KIDS PROTECT NEBRASKA CHURCH ANN COULTER AGREES! BRITISH SCHOOL TEACHER SHOULD BE PUNISHED FOR INSULTING MUHAMMAD COUNTRY RUNNING OUT OF MONEY? JUST PRINT IT FASTER!" > BUSH%> BUSH BOMBS MEXICO CITY! BUSH TELLS GERMANY'S ANGELA MERKEL OF HIS GREAT DIPLOMATIC ACCOMPLISHMENTS Investigation to look at financial dealings of TV evangelists Company Which Built Berlin Wall to Build Mexican Border Fence " I MAKE UP MY FACTS! > LOU DOBBS PRIORITIES? BUSH THREATENS CUBA AS CALIFORNIA GOES UP IN FLAMES "We need a few billion more for Iraq."> Bush GIANT MOSQUITO> U.S. SECRET WEAPON? BOY FISHING WITH LEAD SINKER CAUSES EVACUATION OF ST. LOUIS CONGRESS HAS NOTHING MORE IMPORTANT TO DO THAN TO ANTAGONIZE TURKEY? IF THE FUTURE DEPENDS ON TODAY'S YOUTH, WE'RE DOOMED! THE 23rd QUALM (Updated) VICE PRESIDENT URGES LARRY CRAIG NOT TO RESIGN RUSH LIMBAUGH, AND THE POOR DELUDED FOLLOWERS WHO TAKE HIM SERIOUSLY With No Age Requirement, 10-Month-Old Baby Gets Gun Permit In Illinois ALABAMA'S AUTO INSURANCE RATES SOAR> HERE'S WHY NEBRASKA SENATOR SUES GOD "CAN'T FUND A WAR, IF WE GIVE KIDS HEALTH INSURANCE!"> BUSH 3000 LIVES, 700 BILLION DOLLARS AND THE ONLY SAFE SPOT IN IRAQ IS THE GREEN ZONE! IS ANN COULTER SECRETLY A WITCH? NEW ENGLAND SCHOOL ENCOURAGES ITS FAT LITTLE KIDS...TO BE FAT BIBLE VS KORAN = END OF MANKIND THE WAR> WHO GIVES A HOOT? HALLIBURTON AND BROWN AND ROOT BRITNEY SPEARS, PLEASE GO AWAY!! HORROR NIGHTMARE> FRED THOMPSON, PRESIDENT! KALASHNIKOV RIFLE COMPANY SUES NASCAR DRIVER MATTEL ADDS AUTOPSY KIT TO ITS TOY LINE It's 2107. George X. Bush Visits His Tropical Ranch in Antarctica BUSH ORDERS SECRET SURVEILLANCE OF MEN'S ROOM IN DEMOCRATIC NATIONAL HEADQUARTERS BRITNEY SPEARS> WHAT AGAIN? ALABAMA LAW> NO SEX TOYS ALLOWED! CBS'S 'CHILD SURVIVAL SHOW' DRAWS NEGATIVE REVIEWS OBESITY CAUSED BY A VIRUS? TAKE A PILL! DISHWASHER RESIGNS. LAURA AND GEORGE NOW ALONE IN WHITE HOUSE WASHINGTON LAW FIRM PATENTS THE WHEEL "BUSH'S BRAIN" SAYS 'BYE, BYE' FAKE PILLS FOR FAKE DISEASES> A BILLION-DOLLAR SCAM WINNER! THE YEAR'S STUPIDEST PRODUCT! 5 BILLION PENCILS RECALLED, LEAD FOUND! BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU SAY, BUSH IS LISTENING! BUSH REPAIRS IRAQ'S BRIDGES WHILE OURS COLLAPSE SNARLING DOG WAITS ON COURTHOUSE STEPS FOR VICK TO EMERGE CONGRESSMAN TED STEVENS (R ALASKA) JOINS UNENDING LIST OF CROOKED REPUBLICAN CONGRESSMEN Bush Gang Working To Rig The 2008 Election! LAST HOPE TO SAVE DEMOCRACY. BUSH AND CHENEY MUST BE IMPEACHED! BUSH CONSULTS WITH ROMANIAN TORTURE CHIEF FOR INTERROGATING SUGGESTIONS. CHENEY TAKES ADVANTAGE OF HIS ONE-HOUR PRESIDENCY DURING BUSH'S COLONOSCOPY BUSH TO VETO NEW TOBACCO TAX BECAUSE IT HURTS CIGARETTE COMPANY PROFITS. FALCON'S QUARTERBACK, MICHAEL VICK, INDICTED FOR RUNNING DOG FIGHTING RING BUSH REVOKES LOUISIANA'S STATEHOOD! "TOO MANY PROBLEMS!" NASA ORDERS $19M TOILET FOR SPACE STATION "My President is NEVER , EVER, wrong!" > Condoleezza Rice NAACP hosts Democratic presidential contenders. Obama cheered for his solution to minority poverty. Chertoff has 'gut feeling something's gonna happen' U.S. shakes in fear! " No forgiveness for wayward Congressmen, and I'm getting disgusted with the whole human race!"> God COMPARING BARRY BONDS WITH HANK AARON? DISGRACEFUL! Rowling weeps as last Potter book finished. PRESIDENT RESPONDS TO PUBLIC OUTCRY. PARDONS ALL PRISON INMATES! PUTIN, BUSH> FRIENDS ONCE AGAIN (?) COMMERCIAL FOOD, DEADLY BREW OF CHEMICALS! COULTER PHOTO ADDED TO WHITE HOUSE FAMOUS REPUBLICANS REPUBLICAN RATS DESERTING THE SINKING SHIP OF STATE I CALLED 911. SAD STORY! CASTRO OFFERS A REBUILT GUANTANAMO AS A HAVEN FOR THOSE FLEEING THE USA GUANTANAMO TO BE SHUT DOWN. DETAINEES TO BE TRANSFERRED TO DEVIL'S ISLAND AND ALCATRAZ FINALLY! THE TRUTH ABOUT GLOBAL WARMING BLOOMBERG QUITS REPUBLICAN PARTY. ALL REPUBLICAN PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES DO SAME Britney Spears Private Parts Picture Becomes Billboard Ad 'LANDFILL' ICE CREAM SELLING WELL NASA HIRES RWANDA ROCKET EXPERTS TO RESCUE DISABLED SPACE STATION WHAT'S MAJOR NEWS, PARIS HILTON OR MOSQUE BOMBINGS? BUSH DEFAULTS ON LOAN PAYMENT. CHINA FORECLOSES ON MORTGAGED WHITE HOUSE Blackstone's CEO makes more in an hour than one of his employees earns in a year ! BUSH DISBANDS GOVERNMENT EXCEPT FOR DEFENSE AND JUSTICE ! BUSH VISITS ALBANIA, THE ONLY COUNTRY ON EARTH WHICH STILL LIKES HIM. FOREIGN OFFICIALS ADMIT THEY OPERATE TORTURE PRISONS FOR THE CIA Shield plan: Let's Return to the Cold War! UNCONFIRMED SOURCES FORCED TO REVEAL THEIR WHITE HOUSE ' MOLE'! " GET BUSY AND FABRICATE DISTRACTIONS. THINGS ARE GOING BADLY IN IRAQ!" > BUSH TO ROVE " Russia, Angola, China, Iran, Syria, North Korea, Cuba,Venezuela; you better be careful! I'M running this world!" BUSH SENDS BATTLESHIP MAINE TOWARD CUBA BIN LADEN HAS RARE INCURABLE TB. HUNT FOR HIM CALLED OFF TO PROTECT TROOPS BUSH APPOINTS WOLFOWITZ MAYOR OF BAGHDAD BUSH OK'S SECRET INVASION OF IRAN TO COUNTERACT THEIR SECRET INVASION OF IRAQ FAITHFUL MAKE PILGRIMAGE INTO SEWER TO VIEW IMAGE BUSH >"GLOBAL WARMING IS B.S.!" THE GREAT GASOLINE RIP-OFF> LET'S FIGHT BACK! IF THE DISEASE WON'T KILL YOU, THE PILL MIGHT! IRAQ'S PRESIDENT ARRIVES IN THE U.S. TO LOSE WEIGHT FCC Approves Apple's amazing iPhone W.VA. LEGISLATURE APPROVES 'STORK STORY CHILD BIRTH' FOR ELEMENTARY STUDENTS FAREWELL FALWELL NEGATIVE EMAILS FLOOD WHITE HOUSE TOP SECRET REVEALED! HOG SURGE PLANNED TO TERRORIZE TERRORISTS. TONY BLAIR RESIGNS. BUSH IMMEDIATELY HIRES HIM SIX HELD IN ALLEGED TERRORIST PLOT AGAINST JERSEY ARMY BASE. TRUE? OR ANOTHER FAKE. "GOD SHALL SOLVE THE MEXICAN PROBLEM!"> PAT ROBERTSON BUSH ENTERTAINS QUEEN > CEMETERY VISIT. 'EGRUS' > BUSH'S SECRET WEAPON TO BRING THE TROOPS HOME BUSH'S TWELFTH KATRINA TRIP COMING UP TO GET IRAQ OFF THE NEWS ARMED FORCES DESPERATE FOR VOLUNTEERS ESCORT SERVICE TO REVEAL NAMES. WASHINGTON SHUDDERS RICE PROGRAMMED, AND WILL ATTEND ISLAMIC CONFERENCE Bush invites Dems and Republicans to White House to talk Iraq EXXON/MOBIL BREAKS LAST QUARTER RECORD WITH A DISGUSTING PROFIT OF $9.28 BILLION. GONZALES RESIGNS, BUSH APPOINTS HIM TO THE SUPREME COURT YOU MUST READ THIS! IACOCCA TELLS IT LIKE IT IS! NEW SCAM ALERT! NEW INFO ABOUT THE 1947 ROSWELL FLYING SAUCER INCIDENT Latest US solution to Iraq's civil war: a three-mile wall " BOY, DO I KNOW HOW TO PICK 'EM!" >BUSH "BOMBS! NOT DIPLOMACY!"> McCain EXXON/MOBIL> CORPORATION OF EVIL MILLIONS SPENT ON 'ABSTINENCE', AND IT DOESN'T WORK " IT WAS GREAT WHILE IT LASTED!" > PAUL WOLFOWITZ IRAN'S AHMADINEJAD ISSUES FATWAH KLAN OFFERS TO SPONSOR IMUS SHOW UNPLEASANT PEOPLE WEAR COWBOY HATS "DEMS ARE TERRORISTS!" > BUSH Although we are generally satirical, This, the fourth anniversary of a needless war, is a time of reflection for what could have been. FURIOUS PRESIDENT SAYS "MAKE WAR, NOT DIPLOMACY!" "WAR IS GOING JUST GREAT!"> McCAIN, BUSH, GATES Zetsche confirms Chrysler for sale Keith Richards snorts father's ashes! BUSH and BIN LADEN DECLARE PEACE! AMERICAN MEDICAL ASSOCIATION HEALTH ALERT! "YOU WON A MILLION DOLLARS!> APRIL FOOL!" Golf Course Crew Finds Skeleton in Fairway WORLD'S RICHEST WOMAN CAUGHT WITH 50 MILLION TJ MAXX CREDIT CARDS INFORMATION TOP SECRET MESSAGE OBTAINED> BUSH TO BLAIR 'LET'S START WAR WITH IRAN!' ''DARK CHOCOLATE', A RACIAL SLUR? BUSH SUPPORTER(S) MARCH ON WASHINGTON. NASCAR AUTHORIZES LONGER CARS > MORE ROOM FOR DECALS NAOMI CAMPBELL, SUPER MODEL AND CLEANING WOMAN AL-QAEDA> " WE PUT RAT POISON IN PET FOOD!" BRITNEY SPEARS 'BACK TO NORMAL' (?) AFTER REHAB CONTAMINATED RECALL REVEALS THAT ALL PET FOOD IS MADE BY ONLY ONE COMPANY. AUTO 'MAKERS' WORRY THAT THEIR SECRET WILL BE DISCLOSED WHAT SECRETARY OF STATE RICE REALLY THINKS! Man Burns Genitals in 'Jackass' Stunt CAT CLONING COMPANY CALLS IT QUITS Bolivia's coca growers are taking on an American soft-drink icon. ARMY CAN'T FIND MONEY FOR WOUNDED VETS,BUT CAN FIND FUNDS FOR A $200,000 BAR AT FT. STEWART FORMER PRESIDENT BUSH COLLAPSES DURING GOLF GAME, BLAMES IT ON WORRY "SEX BEFORE 30 IS IMMORAL!" > BUSH WHITE HOUSE NASCAR> GOOD OLE BOYS UPSET!.. FOREIGN CARS AND DRIVERS! WOMAN WINS $355M MEGA-MILLION LOTTERY WITH TICKET BOUGHT AT BIN LADEN'S CONVENIENCE STORE IS YOUR CONGRESSMAN A CROOK? ANN COULTER> THE REPUBLICANS' MS. POTTYMOUTH CANNIBALISM!........IN THE USA? BUSH MAKES 14th VISIT TO GULF COAST HIT BY KATRINA . BUSH AND IRANIAN PRESIDENT MAHMOUD AHMEDINEJAD REACH ACCORD " BRING 'EM ON!" SAYS THE PRESIDENT AS HE VIEWS NEW PORTABLE BOMB SHELTER Them bones...really Jesus, Mary Magdalene... and their son? Nauseated New Yorkers recoil at Taco Bell/KFC rodent party "I thought she was a quail!" > Cheney CHENEY COUNTS ON AUSTRALIAN SUPPORT AS HE OUTLINES FUTURE WAR PLANS JETBLUE FINDS PLANE SNOWBOUND SINCE 2005 "WE HAVE NO ROOM!"> WALTER REED HOSPITAL TO WOUNDED TROOPS ASTEROID TO STRIKE EARTH IN 2036? DANGEROUS SPORT> MOUNTAIN CLIMBING BENJAMIN HARRISON, FORGOTTEN ON PRESIDENTS' DAY? NASCAR FINDS ILLEGAL RACE CAR MODIFICATIONS NEW SYMBOL FOR RADIATION RISK Creationists defeated in Kansas school vote on science teaching WORLD'S TALLEST MAN HIRED TO RESCUE SNOWBOUND PEOPLE NEWSWEEK> TOO MANY ANONYMOUS SOURCES! NICHOLE-SMITH'S BABY. WHO'S THE DADDY? The Right to Use an Obscene Gesture Anna Nicole: Narcotics Found in Room NASA TO REVIEW SEX IN SPACE Dems Grill Bremer on Billions Missing in Iraq Bush Asks for More Spending on Defense, Energy, Less on Welfare CALIFORNIA PLANS TO BAN INEFFICIENT LIGHT BULBS%> JESUS SAYS, "SORRY, GEORGE." RUMSFELD ACCEPTS JOB AS IRAN'S DEFENSE MINISTER ! %> WORLD'S OLDEST WOMAN DIES AT 114 GLOBAL WARMING MAN MADE. WILL CONTINUE EXXON PROFIT FOR 2006> $39.5 BILLION ! AD CAMPAIGN TRIGGERS BOSTON BOMB SCARE BUSH'S POLL RATINGS SINK TO HISTORIC LOW HUBBLE SPACE TELESCOPE LOSES 'EYE' BIN LADEN TO RUN FOR PRESIDENT IN 2008! MILITARY RAISES ENLISTMENT AGE TO 85 Ford: "We lost $12.5 billion in 2006!" President explains petroleum substitute plan When they did it, it was BAD! Iranian Hostage Crisis Version 2.0 Brown and Root Awarded Torture Instrument Contract Pharmaceutical Companies> " We're running out of names! " "BABIES FOR ABORTION" FIGHTS BACK
