UCS Reporters
The Dood Abides
Dominus Noster
Ed E. Drukman
Kamal El-Din
Chuck Terzella
Walid
Nickfun

 

 

 

 

 

Gunther Schnitzel
Me

Gunther Schnitzel isn't my real name, of course. I'm a retired NEWSWEEK foreign correspondent. After years of hard news, writing satire allows me to deflate pomposity
   

Gunther Schnitzel 's Stories

2008-06-16     BLACKSMITH CREATS ONE HORSEPOWER VEHICLE WHICH USES NO GAS!

2008-06-07     Why Bush does nothing about excessive gas price.

2008-05-30     EUROPE PROTESTS FUEL COST, USA DOES NOTHING

2008-05-23     Indiana Jones film to restart cold war with Russia?

2008-04-30     IRISH SUPERMARKETS PULL RACIST SAUSAGE FROM SHELVES

2008-04-26     BILLS BEFORE FLORIDA LEGISLATURE > UNBELIEVABLE!

2008-04-24     Florida lawmakers debate offering a Christian license plate

2008-04-18     CLINTON AND OBAMA COMMITTING POLITICAL SUICIDE

2008-04-15     PAYMENT MISSED, WHITE HOUSE REPOSSESSED!

2008-04-09     BUSH CANCELS 2008 ELECTION!

2008-04-06     BUSH TELLS PUTIN, "RUSSIA LAGS BEHIND THE USA"

2008-03-30     CLINTON PICKS COULTER FOR HER VP

2008-03-29     Clinton Picks Ann Coulter As Her VP

2008-03-23     TREASURY SECRETARY PAULSON BUYS JAPANESE MONEY MACHINE

2008-03-18     OBAMA CONVERTS TO JUDIASM!

2008-02-21     JOHN MCCAIN'S CHEEK BULGE? HUGE WAD OF TOBACCO!

2008-02-15     NRA HONORS SCHOOL SHOOTERS

2008-02-12     ENVIRONMENTAL SOLUTION > DOMED CITIES?

2008-01-31     US justice chief refuses to call waterboarding torture

2007-12-26     I BET YOU DIDN'T KNOW HOW SMILEYS ARE MADE!

2007-12-21     GUNTHER SCHNITZEL SENDS ALL

2007-12-11     ARMED KIDS PROTECT NEBRASKA CHURCH

2007-11-30     ANN COULTER AGREES! BRITISH SCHOOL TEACHER SHOULD BE PUNISHED FOR INSULTING MUHAMMAD

2007-11-21     COUNTRY RUNNING OUT OF MONEY? JUST PRINT IT FASTER!" > BUSH%>

2007-11-15     BUSH BOMBS MEXICO CITY!

2007-11-11     BUSH TELLS GERMANY'S ANGELA MERKEL OF HIS GREAT DIPLOMATIC ACCOMPLISHMENTS

2007-11-06     Investigation to look at financial dealings of TV evangelists

2007-11-02     Company Which Built Berlin Wall to Build Mexican Border Fence

2007-10-29     " I MAKE UP MY FACTS! > LOU DOBBS

2007-10-25     PRIORITIES? BUSH THREATENS CUBA AS CALIFORNIA GOES UP IN FLAMES

2007-10-22     "We need a few billion more for Iraq."> Bush

2007-10-19     GIANT MOSQUITO> U.S. SECRET WEAPON?

2007-10-13     BOY FISHING WITH LEAD SINKER CAUSES EVACUATION OF ST. LOUIS

2007-10-11     CONGRESS HAS NOTHING MORE IMPORTANT TO DO THAN TO ANTAGONIZE TURKEY?

2007-10-10     IF THE FUTURE DEPENDS ON TODAY'S YOUTH, WE'RE DOOMED!

2007-10-06     THE 23rd QUALM (Updated)

2007-10-05     VICE PRESIDENT URGES LARRY CRAIG NOT TO RESIGN

2007-10-02     RUSH LIMBAUGH, AND THE POOR DELUDED FOLLOWERS WHO TAKE HIM SERIOUSLY

2007-09-29     With No Age Requirement, 10-Month-Old Baby Gets Gun Permit In Illinois

2007-09-27     ALABAMA'S AUTO INSURANCE RATES SOAR> HERE'S WHY

2007-09-26     NEBRASKA SENATOR SUES GOD

2007-09-22     "CAN'T FUND A WAR, IF WE GIVE KIDS HEALTH INSURANCE!"> BUSH

2007-09-19     3000 LIVES, 700 BILLION DOLLARS AND THE ONLY SAFE SPOT IN IRAQ IS THE GREEN ZONE!

2007-09-17     IS ANN COULTER SECRETLY A WITCH?

2007-09-16     NEW ENGLAND SCHOOL ENCOURAGES ITS FAT LITTLE KIDS...TO BE FAT

2007-09-15     BIBLE VS KORAN = END OF MANKIND

2007-09-14     THE WAR> WHO GIVES A HOOT? HALLIBURTON AND BROWN AND ROOT

2007-09-11     BRITNEY SPEARS, PLEASE GO AWAY!!

2007-09-10     HORROR NIGHTMARE> FRED THOMPSON, PRESIDENT!

2007-09-07     KALASHNIKOV RIFLE COMPANY SUES NASCAR DRIVER

2007-09-05     MATTEL ADDS AUTOPSY KIT TO ITS TOY LINE

2007-09-03     It's 2107. George X. Bush Visits His Tropical Ranch in Antarctica

2007-09-01     BUSH ORDERS SECRET SURVEILLANCE OF MEN'S ROOM IN DEMOCRATIC NATIONAL HEADQUARTERS

2007-08-28     BRITNEY SPEARS> WHAT AGAIN?

2007-08-25     ALABAMA LAW> NO SEX TOYS ALLOWED!

2007-08-23     CBS'S 'CHILD SURVIVAL SHOW' DRAWS NEGATIVE REVIEWS

2007-08-21     OBESITY CAUSED BY A VIRUS? TAKE A PILL!

2007-08-18     DISHWASHER RESIGNS. LAURA AND GEORGE NOW ALONE IN WHITE HOUSE

2007-08-14     WASHINGTON LAW FIRM PATENTS THE WHEEL

2007-08-13     "BUSH'S BRAIN" SAYS 'BYE, BYE'

2007-08-11     FAKE PILLS FOR FAKE DISEASES> A BILLION-DOLLAR SCAM

2007-08-09     WINNER! THE YEAR'S STUPIDEST PRODUCT!

2007-08-08     5 BILLION PENCILS RECALLED, LEAD FOUND!

2007-08-06     BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU SAY, BUSH IS LISTENING!

2007-08-03     BUSH REPAIRS IRAQ'S BRIDGES WHILE OURS COLLAPSE

2007-07-31     SNARLING DOG WAITS ON COURTHOUSE STEPS FOR VICK TO EMERGE

2007-07-31     CONGRESSMAN TED STEVENS (R ALASKA) JOINS UNENDING LIST OF CROOKED REPUBLICAN CONGRESSMEN

2007-07-29     Bush Gang Working To Rig The 2008 Election!

2007-07-27     LAST HOPE TO SAVE DEMOCRACY. BUSH AND CHENEY MUST BE IMPEACHED!

2007-07-25     BUSH CONSULTS WITH ROMANIAN TORTURE CHIEF FOR INTERROGATING SUGGESTIONS.

2007-07-21     CHENEY TAKES ADVANTAGE OF HIS ONE-HOUR PRESIDENCY DURING BUSH'S COLONOSCOPY

2007-07-20     BUSH TO VETO NEW TOBACCO TAX BECAUSE IT HURTS CIGARETTE COMPANY PROFITS.

2007-07-18     FALCON'S QUARTERBACK, MICHAEL VICK, INDICTED FOR RUNNING DOG FIGHTING RING

2007-07-17     BUSH REVOKES LOUISIANA'S STATEHOOD! "TOO MANY PROBLEMS!"

2007-07-16     NASA ORDERS $19M TOILET FOR SPACE STATION

2007-07-14     "My President is NEVER , EVER, wrong!" > Condoleezza Rice

2007-07-13     NAACP hosts Democratic presidential contenders. Obama cheered for his solution to minority poverty.

2007-07-12     Chertoff has 'gut feeling something's gonna happen' U.S. shakes in fear!

2007-07-11     " No forgiveness for wayward Congressmen, and I'm getting disgusted with the whole human race!"> God

2007-07-10     COMPARING BARRY BONDS WITH HANK AARON? DISGRACEFUL!

2007-07-06     Rowling weeps as last Potter book finished.

2007-07-04     PRESIDENT RESPONDS TO PUBLIC OUTCRY. PARDONS ALL PRISON INMATES!

2007-07-02     PUTIN, BUSH> FRIENDS ONCE AGAIN (?)

2007-07-01     COMMERCIAL FOOD, DEADLY BREW OF CHEMICALS!

2007-06-28     COULTER PHOTO ADDED TO WHITE HOUSE FAMOUS REPUBLICANS

2007-06-27     REPUBLICAN RATS DESERTING THE SINKING SHIP OF STATE

2007-06-24     I CALLED 911. SAD STORY!

2007-06-23     CASTRO OFFERS A REBUILT GUANTANAMO AS A HAVEN FOR THOSE FLEEING THE USA

2007-06-22     GUANTANAMO TO BE SHUT DOWN. DETAINEES TO BE TRANSFERRED TO DEVIL'S ISLAND AND ALCATRAZ

2007-06-21     FINALLY! THE TRUTH ABOUT GLOBAL WARMING

2007-06-20     BLOOMBERG QUITS REPUBLICAN PARTY. ALL REPUBLICAN PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES DO SAME

2007-06-19     Britney Spears Private Parts Picture Becomes Billboard Ad

2007-06-18     'LANDFILL' ICE CREAM SELLING WELL

2007-06-15     NASA HIRES RWANDA ROCKET EXPERTS TO RESCUE DISABLED SPACE STATION

2007-06-14     WHAT'S MAJOR NEWS, PARIS HILTON OR MOSQUE BOMBINGS?

2007-06-13     BUSH DEFAULTS ON LOAN PAYMENT. CHINA FORECLOSES ON MORTGAGED WHITE HOUSE

2007-06-12     Blackstone's CEO makes more in an hour than one of his employees earns in a year !

2007-06-11     BUSH DISBANDS GOVERNMENT EXCEPT FOR DEFENSE AND JUSTICE !

2007-06-10     BUSH VISITS ALBANIA, THE ONLY COUNTRY ON EARTH WHICH STILL LIKES HIM.

2007-06-08     FOREIGN OFFICIALS ADMIT THEY OPERATE TORTURE PRISONS FOR THE CIA

2007-06-07     Shield plan: Let's Return to the Cold War!

2007-06-06     UNCONFIRMED SOURCES FORCED TO REVEAL THEIR WHITE HOUSE ' MOLE'!

2007-06-04     " GET BUSY AND FABRICATE DISTRACTIONS. THINGS ARE GOING BADLY IN IRAQ!" > BUSH TO ROVE

2007-06-03     " Russia, Angola, China, Iran, Syria, North Korea, Cuba,Venezuela; you better be careful! I'M running this world!"

2007-06-02     BUSH SENDS BATTLESHIP MAINE TOWARD CUBA

2007-06-01     BIN LADEN HAS RARE INCURABLE TB. HUNT FOR HIM CALLED OFF TO PROTECT TROOPS

2007-05-31     BUSH APPOINTS WOLFOWITZ MAYOR OF BAGHDAD

2007-05-30     BUSH OK'S SECRET INVASION OF IRAN TO COUNTERACT THEIR SECRET INVASION OF IRAQ

2007-05-27     FAITHFUL MAKE PILGRIMAGE INTO SEWER TO VIEW IMAGE

2007-05-26     BUSH >"GLOBAL WARMING IS B.S.!"

2007-05-24     THE GREAT GASOLINE RIP-OFF> LET'S FIGHT BACK!

2007-05-23     IF THE DISEASE WON'T KILL YOU, THE PILL MIGHT!

2007-05-21     IRAQ'S PRESIDENT ARRIVES IN THE U.S. TO LOSE WEIGHT

2007-05-18     FCC Approves Apple's amazing iPhone

2007-05-17     W.VA. LEGISLATURE APPROVES 'STORK STORY CHILD BIRTH' FOR ELEMENTARY STUDENTS

2007-05-16     FAREWELL FALWELL

2007-05-14     NEGATIVE EMAILS FLOOD WHITE HOUSE

2007-05-11     TOP SECRET REVEALED! HOG SURGE PLANNED TO TERRORIZE TERRORISTS.

2007-05-10     TONY BLAIR RESIGNS. BUSH IMMEDIATELY HIRES HIM

2007-05-09     SIX HELD IN ALLEGED TERRORIST PLOT AGAINST JERSEY ARMY BASE. TRUE? OR ANOTHER FAKE.

2007-05-07     "GOD SHALL SOLVE THE MEXICAN PROBLEM!"> PAT ROBERTSON

2007-05-07     BUSH ENTERTAINS QUEEN > CEMETERY VISIT.

2007-05-05     'EGRUS' > BUSH'S SECRET WEAPON TO BRING THE TROOPS HOME

2007-05-03     BUSH'S TWELFTH KATRINA TRIP COMING UP TO GET IRAQ OFF THE NEWS

2007-05-01     ARMED FORCES DESPERATE FOR VOLUNTEERS

2007-04-30     ESCORT SERVICE TO REVEAL NAMES. WASHINGTON SHUDDERS

2007-04-30     RICE PROGRAMMED, AND WILL ATTEND ISLAMIC CONFERENCE

2007-04-27     Bush invites Dems and Republicans to White House to talk Iraq

2007-04-27     EXXON/MOBIL BREAKS LAST QUARTER RECORD WITH A DISGUSTING PROFIT OF $9.28 BILLION.

2007-04-26     GONZALES RESIGNS, BUSH APPOINTS HIM TO THE SUPREME COURT

2007-04-23     YOU MUST READ THIS! IACOCCA TELLS IT LIKE IT IS!

2007-04-22     NEW SCAM ALERT!

2007-04-21     NEW INFO ABOUT THE 1947 ROSWELL FLYING SAUCER INCIDENT

2007-04-20     Latest US solution to Iraq's civil war: a three-mile wall

2007-04-20     " BOY, DO I KNOW HOW TO PICK 'EM!" >BUSH

2007-04-19     "BOMBS! NOT DIPLOMACY!"> McCain

2007-04-17     EXXON/MOBIL> CORPORATION OF EVIL

2007-04-17     MILLIONS SPENT ON 'ABSTINENCE', AND IT DOESN'T WORK

2007-04-14     " IT WAS GREAT WHILE IT LASTED!" > PAUL WOLFOWITZ

2007-04-14     IRAN'S AHMADINEJAD ISSUES FATWAH

2007-04-11     KLAN OFFERS TO SPONSOR IMUS SHOW

2007-04-10     UNPLEASANT PEOPLE WEAR COWBOY HATS

2007-04-09     "DEMS ARE TERRORISTS!" > BUSH

2007-04-08     Although we are generally satirical, This, the fourth anniversary of a needless war, is a time of reflection for what could have been.

2007-04-07     FURIOUS PRESIDENT SAYS "MAKE WAR, NOT DIPLOMACY!"

2007-04-06     "WAR IS GOING JUST GREAT!"> McCAIN, BUSH, GATES

2007-04-04     Zetsche confirms Chrysler for sale

2007-04-03     Keith Richards snorts father's ashes!

2007-04-02     BUSH and BIN LADEN DECLARE PEACE!

2007-04-01     AMERICAN MEDICAL ASSOCIATION HEALTH ALERT!

2007-03-31     "YOU WON A MILLION DOLLARS!> APRIL FOOL!"

2007-03-30     Golf Course Crew Finds Skeleton in Fairway

2007-03-29     WORLD'S RICHEST WOMAN CAUGHT WITH 50 MILLION TJ MAXX CREDIT CARDS INFORMATION

2007-03-28     TOP SECRET MESSAGE OBTAINED> BUSH TO BLAIR 'LET'S START WAR WITH IRAN!'

2007-03-27     ''DARK CHOCOLATE', A RACIAL SLUR?

2007-03-26     BUSH SUPPORTER(S) MARCH ON WASHINGTON.

2007-03-25     NASCAR AUTHORIZES LONGER CARS > MORE ROOM FOR DECALS

2007-03-24     NAOMI CAMPBELL, SUPER MODEL AND CLEANING WOMAN

2007-03-23     AL-QAEDA> " WE PUT RAT POISON IN PET FOOD!"

2007-03-20     BRITNEY SPEARS 'BACK TO NORMAL' (?) AFTER REHAB

2007-03-19     CONTAMINATED RECALL REVEALS THAT ALL PET FOOD IS MADE BY ONLY ONE COMPANY. AUTO 'MAKERS' WORRY THAT THEIR SECRET WILL BE DISCLOSED

2007-03-18     WHAT SECRETARY OF STATE RICE REALLY THINKS!

2007-03-18     Man Burns Genitals in 'Jackass' Stunt

2007-03-17     CAT CLONING COMPANY CALLS IT QUITS

2007-03-16     Bolivia's coca growers are taking on an American soft-drink icon.

2007-03-15     ARMY CAN'T FIND MONEY FOR WOUNDED VETS,BUT CAN FIND FUNDS FOR A $200,000 BAR AT FT. STEWART

2007-03-12     FORMER PRESIDENT BUSH COLLAPSES DURING GOLF GAME, BLAMES IT ON WORRY

2007-03-10     "SEX BEFORE 30 IS IMMORAL!" > BUSH WHITE HOUSE

2007-03-08     NASCAR> GOOD OLE BOYS UPSET!.. FOREIGN CARS AND DRIVERS!

2007-03-06     WOMAN WINS $355M MEGA-MILLION LOTTERY WITH TICKET BOUGHT AT BIN LADEN'S CONVENIENCE STORE

2007-03-05     IS YOUR CONGRESSMAN A CROOK?

2007-03-02     ANN COULTER> THE REPUBLICANS' MS. POTTYMOUTH

2007-03-02     CANNIBALISM!........IN THE USA?

2007-02-28     BUSH MAKES 14th VISIT TO GULF COAST HIT BY KATRINA .

2007-02-27     BUSH AND IRANIAN PRESIDENT MAHMOUD AHMEDINEJAD REACH ACCORD

2007-02-26     " BRING 'EM ON!" SAYS THE PRESIDENT AS HE VIEWS NEW PORTABLE BOMB SHELTER

2007-02-26     Them bones...really Jesus, Mary Magdalene... and their son?

2007-02-24     Nauseated New Yorkers recoil at Taco Bell/KFC rodent party

2007-02-23     "I thought she was a quail!" > Cheney

2007-02-22     CHENEY COUNTS ON AUSTRALIAN SUPPORT AS HE OUTLINES FUTURE WAR PLANS

2007-02-21     JETBLUE FINDS PLANE SNOWBOUND SINCE 2005

2007-02-20     "WE HAVE NO ROOM!"> WALTER REED HOSPITAL TO WOUNDED TROOPS

2007-02-19     ASTEROID TO STRIKE EARTH IN 2036?

2007-02-18     DANGEROUS SPORT> MOUNTAIN CLIMBING

2007-02-17     BENJAMIN HARRISON, FORGOTTEN ON PRESIDENTS' DAY?

2007-02-16     NASCAR FINDS ILLEGAL RACE CAR MODIFICATIONS

2007-02-14     Creationists defeated in Kansas school vote on science teaching

2007-02-13     WORLD'S TALLEST MAN HIRED TO RESCUE SNOWBOUND PEOPLE

2007-02-12     NEWSWEEK> TOO MANY ANONYMOUS SOURCES!

2007-02-11     NICHOLE-SMITH'S BABY. WHO'S THE DADDY?

2007-02-09     The Right to Use an Obscene Gesture

2007-02-08     Anna Nicole: Narcotics Found in Room

2007-02-07     NASA TO REVIEW SEX IN SPACE

2007-02-06     Dems Grill Bremer on Billions Missing in Iraq

2007-02-05     Bush Asks for More Spending on Defense, Energy, Less on Welfare

2007-02-04     CALIFORNIA PLANS TO BAN INEFFICIENT LIGHT BULBS%>

2007-02-03     JESUS SAYS, "SORRY, GEORGE."

2007-02-02     RUMSFELD ACCEPTS JOB AS IRAN'S DEFENSE MINISTER ! %>

2007-02-02     WORLD'S OLDEST WOMAN DIES AT 114

2007-02-01     GLOBAL WARMING MAN MADE. WILL CONTINUE

2007-02-01     EXXON PROFIT FOR 2006> $39.5 BILLION !

2007-01-31     AD CAMPAIGN TRIGGERS BOSTON BOMB SCARE

2007-01-30     BUSH'S POLL RATINGS SINK TO HISTORIC LOW

2007-01-30     HUBBLE SPACE TELESCOPE LOSES 'EYE'

2007-01-27     BIN LADEN TO RUN FOR PRESIDENT IN 2008!

2007-01-27     MILITARY RAISES ENLISTMENT AGE TO 85

2007-01-25     Ford: "We lost $12.5 billion in 2006!"

2007-01-24     President explains petroleum substitute plan

2007-01-24     When they did it, it was BAD! Iranian Hostage Crisis Version 2.0

2007-01-24     Brown and Root Awarded Torture Instrument Contract

2007-01-24     Pharmaceutical Companies> " We're running out of names! "

2007-01-23     "BABIES FOR ABORTION" FIGHTS BACK

 

Unconfirmed Sources political satire and news story parodies as represented above are written as satire or parody. They are, of course, fictitious.